...and for all parents of Diabetics. I thank God that my children are not diabetics and pray they remain this way. But as a parent, I can clearly imagine the hurt, worries and hard work a parent must go through in having a diabetic child. We hurt with them for every little scrape, bruise and sore throat. An incurable disease however... how helpless must a parent feel!? I feel for you. I thank you and commend you for all you do for us. We love you.
Hi Mom.
I want to dedicate this post to you. You had enough on your plate with me and my Asthma as a kid. Constantly in the hospital. And as I turned 12, we finally caught a break as I grew out of it. How I wish that the break was longer for you. But in less than a year, you realized there was something else wrong with me. I was losing a lot of weight, kept going to the bathroom and we had no idea why I would feel so faint just from feeling "hungry".
I remember it was September when they gave us the diagnosis. It was hard to understand how I could get Diabetes considering we had no history of it on either side. They said it was "Emotional" Diabetes. Even at 12 I thought that was ridiculous, but whatever. - Anyway, I don't remember your reaction really. I can only imagine what you must have been going through. I do remember that I wasn't phased by it at all. Looking back now though, it's obvious it was just a front I put up. Because I knew at the time, that what was most important was to show you I was fine. I had to be strong for you. I chuckle as I think how everything happens for a reason.
Do you remember when we had to go to the hospital? We prepared ourselves for my stay (it was about 2 weeks) so that they could monitor me and educate me on my care, i.e., insulin injections, dieting, testing, etc. I'll never forget how I convinced you to let me eat my last "bad" food. I would never again be able to eat a lot of things (or so we understood it) and so we planned that I should have my last good hurrah. We got off the bus and walked to the Carvel across the street from the hospital. I wanted my last junk food to be my favorite thing. A chocolate milk shake. ...and I grabbed a Skittles out of desperation too. What a mix! LOL. - I drank the whole shake before walking in the hospital but couldn't finish the Skittles before they gave us dirty looks and took it away. - We both knew it was a really bad idea. But, thank you so much mom.
A year or so later, you somehow let me go on that student exchange program. I don't know how you did it. It was really different of you. But you felt you had to. I know this is going to sound really stupid, but... I was so proud of you.
...Then my teenage years. So... ok... teenagers aren't easy, right? But, was I a regular teen? Hormones and the crap you get from Diabetes. Let's see... there was that hyperglycemic episode that put me in the hospital for a week. They thought I was suicidal (and told you the same) because I neglected to take my insulin that whole day. Maybe a day and a half? But I was just being an idiot. I was in my fourth year of denial and had no idea. ...But that's the topic for another post. That was an experience! ...How about the bone infection that got me so close to having my toes amputated. ...Wow. ...and there's so much more. What did I put you through? The sad thing is that I really don't know.
I miss you mom. I'm sorry... for anything. Thank you SO much for everything. For becoming stronger for me. For working so hard. For doing everything you could to take such good care of me. I love you.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Will the moodiness go away???
So... since my last post, I've been much more diligent with checking
my BS more regularly, keeping the levels in control and changing my
infusion sites when I need to. I've also been more attentive to my
moods. How they are, how quickly they change and do my best to figure
out why. My research has so far left me confused, saddened and fearful.
I was consistently in a good mood for a few days after the incident because I was so excited with my discovery. As mentioned, I was also making sure that my sugar remained at a good level, supporting my theory that high or uncontrolled blood sugars caused my bad moods and/or mood changes. But then one morning, I snapped. The morning started out with me feeling just fine and happy, but I quickly lost my temper over something with my kids (don't remember what it was) and found myself having a hard time letting go of that anger afterwards. I thought the 'losing my temper' part was normal (I hope), but I can't help wondering if continuing to feel that anger is normal. So, I tested my sugar expecting (and hoping) it was high, to explain these emotions. It was 143, which I consider to be fine. But now I wonder, is it? If it's not significantly high enough to cause these emotions, what's wrong with me?
I don't recall being this way when I was younger. I would've described myself as a very optimistic person. Patient and very nice. I truly believe I was even one of those "too nice" kind of people. And anger was not big in me. Over the years, I've definitely grown less patient, which I simply attribute to "life". But I just can't help feeling that the anger that overcomes me at times isn't "normal". It's so confusing, frustrating and scary. I don't know if there is anything I can do about it. I don't know how to find out. Will I get worse? Is this becoming a part of my everyday personality? If so, can it be reversed? - Yes, this is a horrible thing we diabetics have to deal with, but the mom in me can't help first thinking about how this will affect my kids emotional and psychological development!
In the meantime, I will of course continue to work hard at maintaining my bg levels in control. But, this is so scary. Once again, I come back to saying "I wish there was more info on this". Thank goodness for having means to share and find information more easily now though. I'd feel completely alone and even more lost without finding the few blogs, forums and articles out there referring to this. Here are some:
I identify most with Kelly's post:
http://kellysnaturallysweet.blogspot.com/2011/07/personality.html
Scientific validation:
http://www.marcumandwallace.org/news_show_national.asp?id=29664
Forums with worthy mentions:
http://www.tudiabetes.org/forum/topics/do-your-emotions-fluctuate
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Diabetes_Type_2/forum/6215979-diabetes-and-anger
http://www.tudiabetes.org/forum/topics/diabetes-and-mood-swingsanger
I was consistently in a good mood for a few days after the incident because I was so excited with my discovery. As mentioned, I was also making sure that my sugar remained at a good level, supporting my theory that high or uncontrolled blood sugars caused my bad moods and/or mood changes. But then one morning, I snapped. The morning started out with me feeling just fine and happy, but I quickly lost my temper over something with my kids (don't remember what it was) and found myself having a hard time letting go of that anger afterwards. I thought the 'losing my temper' part was normal (I hope), but I can't help wondering if continuing to feel that anger is normal. So, I tested my sugar expecting (and hoping) it was high, to explain these emotions. It was 143, which I consider to be fine. But now I wonder, is it? If it's not significantly high enough to cause these emotions, what's wrong with me?
I don't recall being this way when I was younger. I would've described myself as a very optimistic person. Patient and very nice. I truly believe I was even one of those "too nice" kind of people. And anger was not big in me. Over the years, I've definitely grown less patient, which I simply attribute to "life". But I just can't help feeling that the anger that overcomes me at times isn't "normal". It's so confusing, frustrating and scary. I don't know if there is anything I can do about it. I don't know how to find out. Will I get worse? Is this becoming a part of my everyday personality? If so, can it be reversed? - Yes, this is a horrible thing we diabetics have to deal with, but the mom in me can't help first thinking about how this will affect my kids emotional and psychological development!
In the meantime, I will of course continue to work hard at maintaining my bg levels in control. But, this is so scary. Once again, I come back to saying "I wish there was more info on this". Thank goodness for having means to share and find information more easily now though. I'd feel completely alone and even more lost without finding the few blogs, forums and articles out there referring to this. Here are some:
I identify most with Kelly's post:
http://kellysnaturallysweet.blogspot.com/2011/07/personality.html
Scientific validation:
http://www.marcumandwallace.org/news_show_national.asp?id=29664
Forums with worthy mentions:
http://www.tudiabetes.org/forum/topics/do-your-emotions-fluctuate
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Diabetes_Type_2/forum/6215979-diabetes-and-anger
http://www.tudiabetes.org/forum/topics/diabetes-and-mood-swingsanger
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
A different take on 'Emotions & Diabetes'
Before you all start reading, you should know that this is my first attempt in writing a blog. I've always loved the idea and have thought of it often for many different topics... but today, something happened to jolt me enough to finally do one. I truly need to get some thoughts out and if in the end, all I get out of this is a tool to help me vent, I guess that's fine. But in truth, I pray it puts me on a path of further growth. I want... no, I NEED to improve my health management, which I know will improve on so many other aspects of my life. In turn, I pray this may also help others somehow. ...and well, here I go...
I'm a 38 year old wife and mother of two. I'm a Type I Diabetic and have been since the age of 12. I can easily go into my story from diagnosis and how I dealt with the stages of accepting, dealing with and even conquering Diabetes (or so I thought) at one point. Not to mention the plenty of nightmare stories I can share. But I won't today because I have to begin with the point that brought me to writing today. It's about how Diabetes affects my emotions. But, please read on, because I don't think what I'm talking about is the same as most other "Emotions & Diabetes" topics you may find.
I'm not talking about Depression AND or FROM Diabetes. I'm not talking about the stresses of dealing with Diabetes and how that affects your emotions. I'm talking about how Diabetes, or more specifically, the rise and falls of your blood sugar levels physically affects your emotions. I discovered that as my sugar level rises (more often than when it's dropping), I become a witch. (Yes, I'm putting that nicely.)
It's bad enough that as a woman I am already stereotyped to be moody, hormonal or whatever you want to call it. And if there's any truth to it (which I don't necessarily deny there is), can you imagine the loved ones that have to deal with that, coupled with the "moodiness" stemming from uncontrolled sugar levels of a Diabetic???
I've managed to find some discussions and topics on this. But I don't feel there are as many as there should be. The few that I've found, I'll be sharing with my family and friends. But it's not with the intention at all to use as an excuse for when I lose even the tiniest bit of control of my emotions. It is simply because it's super important for loved ones to be aware that this is REAL. It's another side-affect of Diabetes that I don't believe has enough awareness.
So let me tell you what happened today to give you a better idea of what I mean. I woke up with a BS reading of 96 this morning. I was physically fine, although I need to admit that I wasn't in the best mood because I was still thinking of a small thing that I was bothered by with my husband from the night before. I gave myself my insulin (through my Insulin Pump) and had my breakfast. ...The morning progressed as any other morning, with the exception of my mood.
As the minutes passed, I increasingly grew more annoyed. More frustrated. With what? With anything. It was obvious I was in a bad mood. I was giving attitude and no one knew why. Any time my poor husband would try to find out, it would only fuel my anger. We had planned to take the kids into the city and see some friends and family, but by the time breakfast was over for everyone and we started preparing to leave, my husband couldn't bear the thought of going through the day with me in this state and refused to go anywhere until we fixed whatever was wrong. But I could not get myself to calm down enough to have a decent conversation and talk about what was bothering me or explain anything for that matter. For the first time ever, I went up to our bedroom and locked myself in. I was so angry. All I could manage to get out was that I needed to be left alone to defuse and my husband gave me that space. Thankfully.
In that time by myself, I did what I could to try to relax and take my mind off of things. Most of the time, I can turn on the TV and find a program that I like to help take my thoughts elsewhere. I'm not sure if it's just that I couldn't find a program to do the trick or what, but TV wasn't working this time. My breathing would become irregular and my heart would race at times as my anger remained. In my head, I kept playing out the scene where my husband and I finally sat down to talk about why I was so pissed off at him. But the only thing I knew I was pissed off about was not enough to justify the severity of my anger. I dug for more reasons, but it just wouldn't come together.
I finally prayed. And as I prayed, I came to the realization that I had no decent explanation for my extreme emotions. Thank you God. I was still angry, but I finally had some clarity, which in turn, gave me back some control. After a good cry, I finally went back downstairs. I sat with and held my children as they watched Backyardigans and as my mood continued turning around. By the time I put them down for their nap, I was feeling significantly better and went back down to test my blood sugar. - My number was through the roof!!!
I'm too ashamed to tell you all what the actual reading was. I will tell you that it was significantly over 300. ...ok... it was significantly over 400. ...OK... it was over 500... And although there are several other associated issues we can now delve into, I want to stay on today's topic. The rise in my BS level brought on this nearly uncontrollable range of emotions. It wasn't the first time. It probably won't be the last. But I think it may have been the worst. Then again, how would I know? It's not always I manage to catch it to label it. I don't think my husband knows about it to label it (I believe he only knows about the change in behavior when I have lows) and my children certainly have no clue. What are they thinking when they see me like this? My beautiful babies must think their mommy can be so ugly at times. So mean. So unhappy and angry. How horrible is that??? - And my husband... Geez... Marriage can be difficult enough without having to deal with this too.
So, I'm reaching out to all my fellow Diabetics and the friends and family that love them. It is important you know about this other symptom we can experience because it ultimately impacts us all. Yeah... some of us may actually be jerks and Diabetes has nothing to do with it. But if you know we are good people and suddenly witness dramatic emotions spewing from us, it is very possible our blood sugar level is bonkers at that moment. A series of it obviously means we're really out of control. - What can you do about it? At that exact moment, the best thing you can do is avoid arguing. If you try to help, don't be surprised if we get even more agitated and you may just have to let us be. Your best chance at talking to us about this is when you know that our blood sugar is at a good level and we're in a good mood. I'm sure I speak for the majority of us when I say "I'm sorry for my behavior. I'm sorry you may feel like you have to walk on egg shells at times. I know I have to get in better control of my Diabetes. I will try. I'm really, really sorry!"
So, it turns out that it was time to change my infusion site and since I hadn't, it was no longer functioning well. The insulin I pumped in for breakfast had leaked out, causing the ridiculous high. In the end, I know I can't exactly blame Diabetes. If I were more on top of my health, I could have probably avoided this episode altogether. It's still my fault, but I just want my family to know that the person they saw this morning was not really me. I love you and I'm really, really sorry.
Please help me spread the word.
I'm a 38 year old wife and mother of two. I'm a Type I Diabetic and have been since the age of 12. I can easily go into my story from diagnosis and how I dealt with the stages of accepting, dealing with and even conquering Diabetes (or so I thought) at one point. Not to mention the plenty of nightmare stories I can share. But I won't today because I have to begin with the point that brought me to writing today. It's about how Diabetes affects my emotions. But, please read on, because I don't think what I'm talking about is the same as most other "Emotions & Diabetes" topics you may find.
I'm not talking about Depression AND or FROM Diabetes. I'm not talking about the stresses of dealing with Diabetes and how that affects your emotions. I'm talking about how Diabetes, or more specifically, the rise and falls of your blood sugar levels physically affects your emotions. I discovered that as my sugar level rises (more often than when it's dropping), I become a witch. (Yes, I'm putting that nicely.)
It's bad enough that as a woman I am already stereotyped to be moody, hormonal or whatever you want to call it. And if there's any truth to it (which I don't necessarily deny there is), can you imagine the loved ones that have to deal with that, coupled with the "moodiness" stemming from uncontrolled sugar levels of a Diabetic???
I've managed to find some discussions and topics on this. But I don't feel there are as many as there should be. The few that I've found, I'll be sharing with my family and friends. But it's not with the intention at all to use as an excuse for when I lose even the tiniest bit of control of my emotions. It is simply because it's super important for loved ones to be aware that this is REAL. It's another side-affect of Diabetes that I don't believe has enough awareness.
So let me tell you what happened today to give you a better idea of what I mean. I woke up with a BS reading of 96 this morning. I was physically fine, although I need to admit that I wasn't in the best mood because I was still thinking of a small thing that I was bothered by with my husband from the night before. I gave myself my insulin (through my Insulin Pump) and had my breakfast. ...The morning progressed as any other morning, with the exception of my mood.
As the minutes passed, I increasingly grew more annoyed. More frustrated. With what? With anything. It was obvious I was in a bad mood. I was giving attitude and no one knew why. Any time my poor husband would try to find out, it would only fuel my anger. We had planned to take the kids into the city and see some friends and family, but by the time breakfast was over for everyone and we started preparing to leave, my husband couldn't bear the thought of going through the day with me in this state and refused to go anywhere until we fixed whatever was wrong. But I could not get myself to calm down enough to have a decent conversation and talk about what was bothering me or explain anything for that matter. For the first time ever, I went up to our bedroom and locked myself in. I was so angry. All I could manage to get out was that I needed to be left alone to defuse and my husband gave me that space. Thankfully.
In that time by myself, I did what I could to try to relax and take my mind off of things. Most of the time, I can turn on the TV and find a program that I like to help take my thoughts elsewhere. I'm not sure if it's just that I couldn't find a program to do the trick or what, but TV wasn't working this time. My breathing would become irregular and my heart would race at times as my anger remained. In my head, I kept playing out the scene where my husband and I finally sat down to talk about why I was so pissed off at him. But the only thing I knew I was pissed off about was not enough to justify the severity of my anger. I dug for more reasons, but it just wouldn't come together.
I finally prayed. And as I prayed, I came to the realization that I had no decent explanation for my extreme emotions. Thank you God. I was still angry, but I finally had some clarity, which in turn, gave me back some control. After a good cry, I finally went back downstairs. I sat with and held my children as they watched Backyardigans and as my mood continued turning around. By the time I put them down for their nap, I was feeling significantly better and went back down to test my blood sugar. - My number was through the roof!!!
I'm too ashamed to tell you all what the actual reading was. I will tell you that it was significantly over 300. ...ok... it was significantly over 400. ...OK... it was over 500... And although there are several other associated issues we can now delve into, I want to stay on today's topic. The rise in my BS level brought on this nearly uncontrollable range of emotions. It wasn't the first time. It probably won't be the last. But I think it may have been the worst. Then again, how would I know? It's not always I manage to catch it to label it. I don't think my husband knows about it to label it (I believe he only knows about the change in behavior when I have lows) and my children certainly have no clue. What are they thinking when they see me like this? My beautiful babies must think their mommy can be so ugly at times. So mean. So unhappy and angry. How horrible is that??? - And my husband... Geez... Marriage can be difficult enough without having to deal with this too.
So, I'm reaching out to all my fellow Diabetics and the friends and family that love them. It is important you know about this other symptom we can experience because it ultimately impacts us all. Yeah... some of us may actually be jerks and Diabetes has nothing to do with it. But if you know we are good people and suddenly witness dramatic emotions spewing from us, it is very possible our blood sugar level is bonkers at that moment. A series of it obviously means we're really out of control. - What can you do about it? At that exact moment, the best thing you can do is avoid arguing. If you try to help, don't be surprised if we get even more agitated and you may just have to let us be. Your best chance at talking to us about this is when you know that our blood sugar is at a good level and we're in a good mood. I'm sure I speak for the majority of us when I say "I'm sorry for my behavior. I'm sorry you may feel like you have to walk on egg shells at times. I know I have to get in better control of my Diabetes. I will try. I'm really, really sorry!"
So, it turns out that it was time to change my infusion site and since I hadn't, it was no longer functioning well. The insulin I pumped in for breakfast had leaked out, causing the ridiculous high. In the end, I know I can't exactly blame Diabetes. If I were more on top of my health, I could have probably avoided this episode altogether. It's still my fault, but I just want my family to know that the person they saw this morning was not really me. I love you and I'm really, really sorry.
Please help me spread the word.
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