Before you all start reading, you should know that this is my first attempt in writing a blog. I've always loved the idea and have thought of it often for many different topics... but today, something happened to jolt me enough to finally do one. I truly need to get some thoughts out and if in the end, all I get out of this is a tool to help me vent, I guess that's fine. But in truth, I pray it puts me on a path of further growth. I want... no, I NEED to improve my health management, which I know will improve on so many other aspects of my life. In turn, I pray this may also help others somehow. ...and well, here I go...
I'm a 38 year old wife and mother of two. I'm a Type I Diabetic and have been since the age of 12. I can easily go into my story from diagnosis and how I dealt with the stages of accepting, dealing with and even conquering Diabetes (or so I thought) at one point. Not to mention the plenty of nightmare stories I can share. But I won't today because I have to begin with the point that brought me to writing today. It's about how Diabetes affects my emotions. But, please read on, because I don't think what I'm talking about is the same as most other "Emotions & Diabetes" topics you may find.
I'm not talking about Depression AND or FROM Diabetes. I'm not talking about the stresses of dealing with Diabetes and how that affects your emotions. I'm talking about how Diabetes, or more specifically, the rise and falls of your blood sugar levels physically affects your emotions. I discovered that as my sugar level rises (more often than when it's dropping), I become a witch. (Yes, I'm putting that nicely.)
It's bad enough that as a woman I am already stereotyped to be moody, hormonal or whatever you want to call it. And if there's any truth to it (which I don't necessarily deny there is), can you imagine the loved ones that have to deal with that, coupled with the "moodiness" stemming from uncontrolled sugar levels of a Diabetic???
I've managed to find some discussions and topics on this. But I don't feel there are as many as there should be. The few that I've found, I'll be sharing with my family and friends. But it's not with the intention at all to use as an excuse for when I lose even the tiniest bit of control of my emotions. It is simply because it's super important for loved ones to be aware that this is REAL. It's another side-affect of Diabetes that I don't believe has enough awareness.
So let me tell you what happened today to give you a better idea of what I mean. I woke up with a BS reading of 96 this morning. I was physically fine, although I need to admit that I wasn't in the best mood because I was still thinking of a small thing that I was bothered by with my husband from the night before. I gave myself my insulin (through my Insulin Pump) and had my breakfast. ...The morning progressed as any other morning, with the exception of my mood.
As the minutes passed, I increasingly grew more annoyed. More frustrated. With what? With anything. It was obvious I was in a bad mood. I was giving attitude and no one knew why. Any time my poor husband would try to find out, it would only fuel my anger. We had planned to take the kids into the city and see some friends and family, but by the time breakfast was over for everyone and we started preparing to leave, my husband couldn't bear the thought of going through the day with me in this state and refused to go anywhere until we fixed whatever was wrong. But I could not get myself to calm down enough to have a decent conversation and talk about what was bothering me or explain anything for that matter. For the first time ever, I went up to our bedroom and locked myself in. I was so angry. All I could manage to get out was that I needed to be left alone to defuse and my husband gave me that space. Thankfully.
In that time by myself, I did what I could to try to relax and take my mind off of things. Most of the time, I can turn on the TV and find a program that I like to help take my thoughts elsewhere. I'm not sure if it's just that I couldn't find a program to do the trick or what, but TV wasn't working this time. My breathing would become irregular and my heart would race at times as my anger remained. In my head, I kept playing out the scene where my husband and I finally sat down to talk about why I was so pissed off at him. But the only thing I knew I was pissed off about was not enough to justify the severity of my anger. I dug for more reasons, but it just wouldn't come together.
I finally prayed. And as I prayed, I came to the realization that I had no decent explanation for my extreme emotions. Thank you God. I was still angry, but I finally had some clarity, which in turn, gave me back some control. After a good cry, I finally went back downstairs. I sat with and held my children as they watched Backyardigans and as my mood continued turning around. By the time I put them down for their nap, I was feeling significantly better and went back down to test my blood sugar. - My number was through the roof!!!
I'm too ashamed to tell you all what the actual reading was. I will tell you that it was significantly over 300. ...ok... it was significantly over 400. ...OK... it was over 500... And although there are several other associated issues we can now delve into, I want to stay on today's topic. The rise in my BS level brought on this nearly uncontrollable range of emotions. It wasn't the first time. It probably won't be the last. But I think it may have been the worst. Then again, how would I know? It's not always I manage to catch it to label it. I don't think my husband knows about it to label it (I believe he only knows about the change in behavior when I have lows) and my children certainly have no clue. What are they thinking when they see me like this? My beautiful babies must think their mommy can be so ugly at times. So mean. So unhappy and angry. How horrible is that??? - And my husband... Geez... Marriage can be difficult enough without having to deal with this too.
So, I'm reaching out to all my fellow Diabetics and the friends and family that love them. It is important you know about this other symptom we can experience because it ultimately impacts us all. Yeah... some of us may actually be jerks and Diabetes has nothing to do with it. But if you know we are good people and suddenly witness dramatic emotions spewing from us, it is very possible our blood sugar level is bonkers at that moment. A series of it obviously means we're really out of control. - What can you do about it? At that exact moment, the best thing you can do is avoid arguing. If you try to help, don't be surprised if we get even more agitated and you may just have to let us be. Your best chance at talking to us about this is when you know that our blood sugar is at a good level and we're in a good mood. I'm sure I speak for the majority of us when I say "I'm sorry for my behavior. I'm sorry you may feel like you have to walk on egg shells at times. I know I have to get in better control of my Diabetes. I will try. I'm really, really sorry!"
So, it turns out that it was time to change my infusion site and since I hadn't, it was no
longer functioning well. The insulin I pumped in for breakfast had
leaked out, causing the ridiculous high. In the end, I know I can't exactly blame Diabetes. If I were more on
top of my health, I could have probably avoided this episode altogether. It's still my fault, but I just
want my family to know that the person they saw this morning was not
really me. I love you and I'm really, really sorry.
Please help me spread the word.
